Well, I stopped writing almost as soon as I began this blog. It only took a few posts before everything got to be too much on the table. Too upfront and too open about things that are important to me. Truth is, people liking it kind of scared me more than it pushed me to keep it going. In the end I have been shown over the past couple weeks that maybe what I was trying to do with this site is worth it. Not just for me to get out what my thoughts have been for so long, but for others that may feel as alone as I do with a situation such as mine. One where doctors blow off the needs you want to address and pretend that it is a matter of the parent worrying too much about their child’s development. People that feel alone in this world not because their families can’t be there but simply because there is nothing their families can do to help what the problem really is…. That you can’t fix the problem that is holding your child back despite how willing and able you may be. Maybe that is where loneliness is bred from; the absolute helplessness.
Autism is a lifestyle choice when you decide to be the one caring for your loved one directly despite the financial and personal costs. Currently I have had a hard time looking for a job because of many reasons. Of which they are typical and what you would find with any person trying to start out in a new industry (not every struggle is special to my situation of course). What’s sad is I am highly qualified in my field and shouldn’t need a new field to work in, but reality, and the growing age of my son, has made the factory management life unmanageable. So with a master’s degree in hand I find myself begging for even the chance to gain entry-level employment. Simply because it is hard for employers to believe that I am much more willing to work for less money and be able to care for my son than I am to make more money in my field and hire that out to a in home care provider. It isn’t that I look down on those who hire this kind of help, it just isn’t for me. I wanted two boys my whole life. You’d have thought I was a little girl the way I couldn’t wait to be a dad at such a young age. Sometimes… a lot of the time… I feel like someone out there is looking down and laughing at that fact. As if to say “well, you wanted this more than anything. You have your two boys now so sack up ya pussy!”
So, I wallowed in my problems and stopped writing because of fear to push beyond my comfort. As odd as it may sound I actually have a great fear of being someone who people look to in life. That hasn’t always been a problem for me but over the past few years I would be lying if I denied it has been an anchor weighing me down. One that I can’t argue I planted as deep in the muck as I could almost hoping to never break free. This site isn’t meant to be about my son’s daily activities or trying to make him the object I use to distract from myself. It is about sharing my experiences as a father of an autistic child. As a father with the intelligence to be anything I want in the business world, but also unwilling to trade in participating in my son’s life from day-to-day to do anything with it. The aspects that relate to him directly, and those that are a fact of life with the way I want to raise and care for him. Such as what job I can have or what kind of personal life is even possible.
Today all of that perspective was changed or maybe even just brought back to the surface. It wasn’t just today as I have had people asking me about these posts as I mentioned above. However, today someone who vaguely knows me through a close family member reached out. She is experiencing doubt and worry about her own son. Her son that is about the age mine was when his mother and I started to notice something was wrong. It touched a nerve. Not of anger but more like reality striking me in the face. As if to say “Hey asshole! Your experiences and your son’s pain in life is for not if you continue to ignore that you really do have something to offer to other people experiencing the same things on their own.” So I’m gonna be back on track. I can promise it’s gonna be dark at times as my feelings about myself and my son aren’t always pretty. That makes it all the more important that I share them. If only to prevent the loneliness and feeling of the walls constantly closing in for someone else.
As the world is about give and take I do ask one thing. Share this. Talk about it and push it on to other people you know who are going through similar struggles. This site is labeled for autism because that is what I am dealing with, but there are so many more struggles in life that come from other disabilities all of which have the ability to permeate and distort the solidity of the family unit. After over a decade of doing this alone I can say that simply knowing or hearing that what’s happening to you is happening somewhere else is enough to pull you up during the times you feel life pushing you down. The feeling of being able to ease the mind of a worried mother that I really don’t know myself is inexplicable. It fills the cup.
I have went through a lot with my son over the years. Through things that so many others have experienced, and to the point and purpose of this site, people who are about to go through it and don’t even know it. It’s easy to say you are gonna get through a situation such as this at the start. When the doctor starts telling you that something like autism is a reality for your family. What else can you do? The positive self talk is all you have when it’s new. There’s still a world of hope that the doctor is wrong and somehow this will all get better. For some it does, but not as frequently as one would hope. However, it is a whole different story to actually go through it. To pass the milestones of hope and have to accept again and again what will never be a reality for your child, and selfishly for your own personal life as a single parent. In the end I hope this post and the ones I plan to make provide solace to those who feel estranged by their new life or the one they’ve been living for all too long.
I appreciate all of the support and kind words about my previous posts. I sincerely look forward to the chance that maybe this could become more of a forum for discussion instead of one of the many sites we glance at throughout the day without producing a connection between the readers and the author. Regardless, what I was reminded of today is something I never want to find myself pushing away again. These problems only cause loneliness when you choose to go it alone. Make no bones about it. I can promise you it is a choice that becomes all too comfortable over time. There are simply so many better choices to be made.
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